My dearest body,

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry you had to be brought into this world in a system where you were perceived as “wrong” just for being you.

I’m sorry that even before I was old enough to consent, I had implemented ideas of what you should and shouldn’t look like. 

I’m sorry I never accepted you for just being you. 

I’m sorry that I believed you weren’t good enough just as you are.

I’m sorry that I cared more about how you were perceived by others, than how you were doing and what you needed. 

I’m sorry for all the hours I pushed you and totally smashed you with workouts to force you to change. 

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t feed you enough, and still I pushed beyond what should have been possible because I so badly wanted you to look like something that you’re not.

I’m sorry for all the days I started with bullying you in front of the mirror.

I’m sorry for all the times I planned on refusing you food and fuel, even though you were barely coping, you lost the period and your hair fell out. 

I’m sorry for all the times I shamed you because some clothing in a specific size didn’t fit like I wanted it to.

I’m sorry for how much I’ve hated your lines and curves, and I’m sorry for resenting your battle scars given to you by me, when all they do is tell a story - the history of me.

I’m sorry for all the times I perceived you as wrong.

I’m sorry for treating you so badly that I was robbing you of your health and you became severely ill. 

I’m sorry for disconnecting with you, ignoring your feedback and letting my ego get off on pushing through pain while hurting you in the process. 

I’m sorry for not letting you rest and for believing that resting was something you had to earn.

I’m sorry for blaming you and turning away from you when I miscarried multiple times. 

I’m sorry for feeling like my losses were your fault and that you failed.

I’m sorry for talking badly about you, when all you did was try to keep me alive.

I’m sorry for every time I bought clothes too small, because I was planning on forcing you to change so you could fit them. 

I’m sorry for filling you with junk all the times I needed to distract myself from feeling all the negative emotions you were carrying because of my thoughts about you.

I’m sorry for not realizing how perfectly imperfect you are, and truly seeing you sooner.

My dear body, I see you now, and I’m so sorry for doing all of that to you…

Now I see how beautiful and unique you are and how you carry me every single day.

I’m here to trust that you will tell me what I need. 

I’m here to lean into all the pleasure and well-being I can receive and experience from living aligned with you. 

I’m here to nourish and protect you, showing up for you every single day, and honoring your cyclical nature.   

My dearest body, I’m ready for this next chapter - for this next season of life. 

I’m here for you now, and I’m ready to call you my home.